Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
