In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
