Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
