I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I deserve this hangover.
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