I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
