Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is Oprah even human
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
