Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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