Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
