Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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