My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
