My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
