plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
