I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
