when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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