dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Bring me that man meat
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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