i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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