In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It's Friday. Sex?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
