I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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