My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
