What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
