1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
