My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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