At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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