Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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