If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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