Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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