He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
