dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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