A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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