I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
