mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
