paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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