She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
