You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
