My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
