My first STD was from a foam party
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
