I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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