I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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