I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
