Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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