I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
