Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
