Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
