i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
