When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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