i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
