saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
