I just pynch a tree in the face
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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