obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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