he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
