so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
