I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
