apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize