And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
