Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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